Feel like bragging?

I'm parked on the floor in front of my stupid smoking wood burner.  Why, oh why, can I not keep it burning.  It burns me up when my husband comes home and announces it is out.  Feels like the rest of my day's accomplishments just got canceled.
So, I'm bragging to my blog.  Because the only people who read this anyway are people who understand that I like verbal affirmation and they don't care if I brag because they like me so much that they even like my bragging.  So there.
Today I did a lot of things.  I'm going to make a bulleted list, for my own enjoyment.

• 3 loads of laundry (including the delicates load where I found the suit that I was a little freaking out about having lost - how exactly did I lose a suit? I thought I did.  So glad I have a washable suit.  It is very, very cute on me and also washable - so a huge victory that I found it.)
• Put away 6 piles of clothes in my own bedroom (a pile is defined: "as tall as you can stack without falling over" - so another great victory), including my husbands clothes partly.  That was very nice of me, I even hung up the shirts that he can iron.
• Purged an entire full garbage bag from my closet (I hate putting clothes in garbage bags, but because I do not shop, I have no nice bags to put them in) (including 8 bras? that was amazing.  How-ever do I have so many that do not fit me? Well, I guess it's attributable to pregnancy, nursing and the remarkable weight loss that nursing causes in me.  I kept 3 extra cute ones just in case the "milks" have some miraculous transformation.  Ha - not likely.)

Short break for cursing (in my head since beautiful 10-yr-old sympathetic son is watching me) at the woodburner, poking and prodding the stupid log that was seriously in flames just 3 minutes ago, dusting the stupid woodburner dirt off my knees and back to my stupid perch on the not-even-cozy (but at least I scrubbed floors yesterday for the first time since spring maybe) floor in front of the stupid woodburner.  Sorry about all the stupids.

• Ground the flour and baked an entire decent-looking loaf of bread.  Ground more flour and have rising another loaf's-worth for dinner's pizza crust.  Planned carrots/dip (oh yes, Kefir cheese ranch dip from yesterday's impressive list) and salad and maybe grapes to go with the one measly pizza that we will too-fast devour without some kind of side dish.

Short break to roll the offensive log to the back and stack a little boy-scout tripod of kindling onto the inept glowing coals hiding underneath.  I think I shall use only kindling.  I hate logs.  Forevermore I will just sit in front of this woodburner, load it with tiny sticks of flamable kindling and read blogs about other people's accomplishments and deep thoughts.

• I took a shower - with cute girl almost 2.  I had some clear thoughts in there about my business.  Hopefully I will remember them when I'm done venting here and maybe do them.
• I administrated independent-workers aged 10, 8 and 7 to do the work on their lists and be happy about it.  I fed them breakfast and lunch and read them a beautiful chapter of Pollyanna upon waking.  Got everything done on their school lists except the science notes I did not dictate to them.
• I drank 2 cups of coffee.  I ate a real lunch and an inadequate but wholesome butt-of-bread breakfast.
• I read a chapter in a good book to myself this morning and prayed a little bit during and after and since.
• I turned on an old CD in the kitchen rather than blowing my top in the kitchen.
• I called 4 people on my list and left 4 messages, while folding laundry.
• I remembered that almost-2's need naps.  So what if it was 3:30 and my husband already home, dang it.
• I cleared my calendar to better fit hunter's hunting schedule, got a nice thank-you for that.
• I remembered that I need a sitter 6 nights from now and actually procured one before the night-before - this is a new record in sitter-planning for me.

OK - fire barely burning but I'm feeling a little better.  Thanks. 

Idol Worship

Before I get into it, you could see what we were doing last weekend here.  She chronicles it better than I :)

In the meantime, I've been grappling with idol worship.  Yes, I think so.  You see, as I drove to and fro from Arbonne events this week, I've been listening to Doug Philips of Vision Forum.  He made a little passing reference to the idols we set before us, even as we come seeking the wisdom of the Lord.  The idols not made of stone or wood, but in our heads - set before our minds and hearts to worship and consume us.  And then, too late, I lingered on the computer last night - getting some sweet nourishment from Ann and Bam! there it was again.

Now, I'm not so orderly or wise as Ann or as Doug.  But I know the truth which sets me free.  It is for freedom that I have been set free.  Freedom to worship and obey and live abundantly.  My abundance is characterized by grace for small children; energy for dinner-cooking; delight in couch-cuddles; vision for ordered meal plans and lesson plans and business plans; peaceful sleep between squalling babe and late-night girl-in-my-bed visits; cheerful bread-kneading, clutter-clearing, laundry-sorting, Arbonne-calling, irregular-showering!  That's my abundance!  

My idols woo me toward grumbling, spewing, scowling labors - my burden heavy and angry and blaming.  My children cower as the wellspring of my filthy-flesh-heart overflows all over them.  Blech.  I cower at the shame when the phone ring and my grumbles flip to a sweet "hello?"  Faker.  

So last night I knelt in the dark at chair (with a pile of laundry upon it) and asked for forgiveness.  God, melt my idols down into a puddle of useless laundry-worship and controlling-everyone.  I choose you, Jesus.  You can author my day, order my precious day.  Make peace of my pieces.  My laundry and meals and school books and calendar - they all remain.  Redeem them, Jesus.  Fill my cup with sweetness and grace so that as it is jarred and bumped today, I'll spill YOU all over.

swimmingly

We're not going to the pool again. It's over. OVER! (I am shouting.) Get over it. You can still have a fabulous time outside after school has begun - it's even more fun actually because you feel the time go by and treasure it. I'm tired of shaving anyway (ha!).

Just in case anyone wondered, I do not have it all together. I was quite encouraged reading my blog tonight - have to read it since I'm not much writing it, eh? I needed that. It's good to read about longings for simplicity and about a daily schedule. These things are a balm to my fuzzed-up-thinking this week. It's that same fuzzy thinking that has me still-awake tonight, would be much wiser to be in the bed sleeping myself into some better sanity tomorrow.

Jesus - hear my heart's cry. Take away the unnecessary things, focus me in on the precious. You know my heart's desire is kissing soft baby parts and reading stories and soaking in these children; creating clever things to sew and doing cooking experiments and reorganizing shelves and declaring "I have a dinner plan"; yanking weeds and giving flowers room to breathe. I am tired, I need rest - multiply my energy and patience tomorrow. Help me to do what I ought and hear what I should and inhale deeply and be peaceful in my clutter.

July so far

Birthday boy pierces sister's toy ball with his new pocket knife

Consumed Rooster salad and made 6 quarts of well-jelled broth

Made runny yogurt in my crockpot - yum with honey and blueberries

First crop of green beans

Stedman family sings Blessed Assurance and Worship the King all together - with microphones

Weeding cucumbers while my bees pollinate their blooms - very cool

Anna learns 2 new songs: Grace, Grace and Happy Birthday

Sweet Peas done producing. No more pea pods for my munching kiddos

Cheese cloth arrived, made kefir cheese that no one will eat - too sour.

Three separate incidents of trickery. Sweetly repentent hearts - thank you God!!

Anna takes a "bath" in little water tub on the deck - adorable photo op, no camera

Tepid Coffee

I should have known it was cold when it didn't burn my leg. But I was too busy being exasperated and irritated (Peter says "at least you weren't indignant". Isaac says "what's indignant mean?". Peter: "I don't remember. I just know it isn't good.")

We haven't accomplished much school today. You can tell by it being 10:31 and I am typing on my blog rather than hearing someone read or reading to them. I'm eating my fourth protein bar (does that mean I don't get to eat lunch?) and my now-hot coffee is going down smoothly while I ignore my children.

Ruby flopped down to read her last phonics lessons and made my coffee splash. She flopped because it was the third time I'd asked her to sit. I want to justify my eruption of temper and declare (in an indignant voice) that my jeans are wet! And my coffee is cold! And it's not my fault, you foolish children!

My kids were dutifully repentant while I ranted. But they thought it was funny (I could see the twinkle in their downcast eyes) as I indignantly dried the splashes and said "now I am going to drink this coffee in peace while each of you does what I say instead of whining for an hour and then complaining you aren't done!" And then my coffee was blech (bletch as Isaac says) and tepid. And their eyes twinkled. And darn it, (yes, Anna learned that lovely, feminine phrase from me) I laughed!

Praise Jesus. Not 10 minutes earlier I had grumbled at the sink: why, oh why, Lord. why do I ask you for grace overflowing in the early morning and then spend my later morning overflowing with irritation? why do I pray for my husband and kids and ask for your power and love to flow out of me and then dump grump on them?

Thank you Jesus for their twinkling eyes, overflowing grace to their mama. Thank you for laughing, giggling, cackling kids who find their mama's cold coffee hilarious (vengeance is mine, says the Lord!) and forgive me so quickly. Thank you for grace overflowing.

Ruby, will you forgive me for overreacting about spilled coffee?

Yes, Mommy.

hearing things, tuning

I am amazed at the things I hear. I have a weird buzzing that breaks into my thinking - always think it is my phone - but most of the time its nothing - paranoia? And as I sit here in the lightening morning with all of my kids still sleeping, I swear I hear the baby's distant "maaaaaama" in my ear. But I checked and she is still tucked in with blond wisps curling damp against my pillow, thinking that warm pile of down is her mama. My ears are tuned to the sounds I must consider important, eh?

I tell my kids to tune their ears to my voice. They are my children and there will rarely be any other voice as important for them to hear. My voice should break through into the cacophony of their play and imaginings, should burst through like a cymbal - and without me having to shout. How can I protect them if they don't hear me? How can I lead them and instruct them and help them if they ignore my voice. Hear me, children, because I love you!

Tune my heart to sing Thy praise ... and my ears to hear your voice, sweet Lord.

simple is better

I have a plan forming in me each time I pray and get quiet about school. It is calling me to simple. I have these precious learners to lead. And I am only me, filled up with the powerful God-Spirit and flailing with flesh-weakness, so the Simple is calling to me. (Forevermore I shall capitalize the words I wish - just as Winnie the Pooh does. Some things are Important Things and the capitalizing helps you see that I think so! Good idea, A.A. Milne.)

I type fast, the light is growing outside so I'll soon hear thumping down the stairs. I feel compelled to write this down in words so I don't forget and get muddled later. My life is not OVERwhelming. It is possible to do the things set before me because God has a plan for my days and He will do it if I will surrender and be still and listen a bit and bravely step into it.

I am eager to make lists and calendars - for maps and history and latin root words and copywork and math facts and patterns. Our little schooling house is a wonderful place to live. It is less daunting when a path rolls out before me. We can get clever and stop to lap up the sweetness of a day when the simple path is clear before us. Ah, here comes someone thumping down the steps.

to be fair ...

Just to be fair, Ruby is again sleeping in the boys room. Not to avoid any late-night squawkings of Anna; rather, to be fair. Last night her dear oldest brother offered her a squeezed in spot in his bed so she didn't have to sleep on the floor (like the last time I "trained" Anna to sleep at night). And she slept great, except for the pesky cold legs of a nightgown-wearer ("even with your warm brother?" "yes, mom, even with my warm brother").

And tonight she sleeps with Isaac (the sleep-walker) - what will he do if he wanders and then comes back to find his tuck-close 6 yr old sister in his spot? Who wants to bet I end up sleeping with a 7 yr old boy instead of Anna?

Just to be fair ...

focus, focus ... and sleep

What a funny title for me to choose! I think of this word and its friends: discipline, faithful, obedient, purposeful. Ahhhhhk! oh, I feel a little weary - but also invited. Don't you want it?! Don't you want to plunge purposefully into today? I type fast - soon someone will wake and I'll be dipped in the day - no turning back.

Thank you for this dark morning alone - I love the bright of my light inside when the dark is like a closed curtain at all my windows. And the light creeps up outside so slowly that I hardly can see the line of snow on the dark railing or the shadowy fence-posts standing guard in our freezing white field. My coffee is gone and the muffins (yummy from Grandma's). My babe sleeps on - a miracle.

I am teaching Anna to sleep this week - trying to prepare her for 4 nights apart from her mama - for her benefit and my own mama's. What do you do when a baby not-your-own cries in the night for her mama? Oh, you surely cry, too. I cry just thinking of it. Job-of-mine, you better be worth this crying. But, I will be back - and I am praying, praying out of my greedy-for-warm-baby-touch heart that Anna will greet me with her soft pawing (soft when I trim those poky nails!) and insistent "more"-word. Yep, I am greedy for her.

Night 1, she wept and wept. I reminded her that her drink (ugh, cold and hard in the cup) was near, her baby doll close, a mound of hand-love-crafted blankets to roll into. She shouted her frustration, wept her lonely sorrow - we didn't start Monday well-rested. But after her surrender and a few hours of collapse - she welcomed me with her morning sweetness. "Eye" and "Nohn" (nose) and "honk" (pinch nose like her papa Forrest - passed down by her bigs) and "pat, pat" on her mama's back - always start the morning with a display of your favorite tricks.

Night 2, one early waking babe through my haze of sleep. The insistent jabbering turns from "mom, mom, mom" to up-on-tiptoes at the other end: "ruBEEE? ruBEE?" What? she is asking Ruby for mercy. I jump from my bed. "Have mercy! Mom won't help me, maybe my sister will. Where is that big sister, anyway?" (sleeping soundly on brothers' floor - far from the sleep experiment) Now, squeezing hugs across the crib rail. "Nyo, nyo", turn my little soft face away from that drink cup - I'm not thirsty, just hug me. I showed her the blankets, showed her the baby doll. "Time for sleeping, time for night-night. I love you." She shouted, flopped, flailed and I kept my focus, pulling the door softly behind me - just a sliver, momma-crack to peek. She burrowed and slept. Thank you God, that was much better than Night 1.

Focus - today we will do that little scoot that (all 5 squished and comfortable) bodies do on a couch - wriggle deeper into each other and the couch cushions - read together, pray together, focus together. While the snow comes and we thank both our Fathers (thank you for my lumberjack husband, Lord, who labors long to keep us warm) for this cozy place together.

Time to wake my babes. Thank You, for the grey sky morning, brightening in my window. I take it. How I love you, Lord, you give me all that I need and ever so much more.